the truth of the matter

Monday, January 22, 2007

Some of you may have noticed that I've been a little half-hearted on my blog. It has bothered me to just do filler posts but I haven't wanted to talk about the truth.

The truth is that a lot has been going on in my life. Josh is searching for a job which is frustrating for both of us. We are getting so anxious to get out of our crappy apartment. Everyday I see something that makes me think how much I hate it. I've also been overwhelmed with work stuff. And right after Christmas we found out that Josh's younger sister is getting married in March and having a baby in July. It came as quite a shock to the entire family although things have settled down quite a bit. As ridiculous as it sounds, it has been hard to handle that yet another person is pregnant. I now personally know ELEVEN pregnant women. It sucks to feel like you're ready but the time isn't right.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I stopped being able to handle things.

I went from feeling a little down to crying every day and having the occasional emotional breakdown (what I think of as sob fests). At first I thought that maybe my thyroid wasn't working properly again but I don't have all of my old symptoms. I do however, have all of these symptoms...general anxiety disorder.

I tried everything I could from counting my blessings (which are immeasurable) to focusing on the good. I tried eating junk food, exercising, watching goofy movies... No matter how hard I tried nothing seemed to help. I go through periods during the day where I feel fine like my happy old self. Suddenly out of nowhere I start feeling overwhelmed by something...unable to handle what is going on.

I went to the doctor last Friday and saw the nurse practitioner. She was so understanding. She was patient as I tried to talk about what I was feeling and of course, I cried. The hardest part is describing it. I've never been the type of person that couldn't handle stress. Sure, I'd go through down times but eventually I could let it go. Lately I can't let it go. I will suddenly feel a terrible hopelessness even though deep inside I know things will eventually work out. It's almost like a battle inside me. I finally felt some relief when I talked to the nurse practitioner. She wanted to help me. I now have a prescription to Xanax to take when I need it. I'm hoping that it will do the trick and help me get through this rough patch.

Josh has been such a trooper. He's a fix-it type of guy so it's been so hard for him to not be able to "fix me". I'm not really sure what I would do without him and my family. They've been so supportive. I know it's hard for them (especially my mom) to see me so upset about things. I've put them through so much and they were just right there with me. While I was writing this entry I stopped to ask Josh if he thought it was okay to post. He said that he thought it would be really good for me. I said, "You don't care if people think your wife is crazy?" He responded with a smirk, "Well...if the shoe fits." Gosh, I love that man. He really does get me through most days.

I'm not really sure why it's hard for people to talk about anxiety and depression. It is estimated that one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder. I thought long and hard about writing about this. I mean, I don't really know who will read it. But my good friend Pam has given me courage to talk about this because she has been so honest about dealing with depression. By talking about things like this, we can learn to help each other. Maybe someone will read this and have the courage to talk to their doctor (which believe me, is not easy).

So there is it... Wow, I did really just lay it out there. But I consider you my friends and right now I need some support from my friends. So thanks in advance for listening...

Labels: about me, deep thoughts

posted by kimberly, 7:54 AM